Just Not Into It

I'm being a bad blogger.

I just don't have anything interesting to say. I'm not finding any inspiration or any drive to write lately. I don't want to force it or try and find anything to say. Usually it comes natural but not lately. I think I'm in need of getting my mind right before I can write anything interesting. When I try to write something lately it seems to be depressing and thats exactly the way I'm feeling. Serious issues with in my family, my career,  and unsuccessfully trying to have a baby have all begun to weigh heavy on my heart. I have now had what I believe to be 3 panic attacks. I've been clinching my hands so bad during the day and even while sleeping I've cut my hands open. I just feel bad. Even tiny things feel overwhelming. I've cried myself to sleep for days. I haven't worked out and I'm ashamed to admit I drank so much on Friday night I barely remember getting to sleep. It's like a negative spiral. I don't even know where to start healing myself. I really need a few days off of work but since things are so messed up there I'm afraid I won't have a job soon anyway. I really just want to get back to the girl I used to be. I look back at old blog posts and see how happy I used to be. It makes me mad I can't just snap my fingers and get back to that girl. I often think about what my readers think. I think they must be so bored by hearing these things.

I need something. I need a change. I don't know how I'll do it. Nothing seems to work. I just have to have hope that something will make it better soon.

Thank you for listening and loving me.

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Happies and Crappies

Happies
- Brian bought me flowers last weekend. He knew I was feeling down and he wanted to brighten my day. He really is the rock of our family. He makes me better ever person. I want to be a better person because of him.
- Seeing how happy my friends were this weekend on their special days.
- Bogart. My little lump of fur makes me happy all the time!

- So much support and kind words from so many of my sweet blog friends.
- Made some really great progress at work.
- Snyder's Pretzel Bites- Cheddar Bacon. Yep, I'm addicted.
- NY Ranger's hockey is back- See crappies below
- Starting to think of our Valentine's Day plans. I love the idea of planning dates with my husband.
- The thought of creating a shop my closet link on the blog!


Crappies
- Last weekend in general.
- Having a panic attack for the first and hopefully last time.
- Two baby showers last weekend. Ugh, Rip my heart out.
- Ear ache that has lasted almost 2 weeks. I have a feeling its another ear infection. Thats 3 in 4 months.
- NY Rangers are back. They look like sh*t.
- This winter weather sucks! I can't take it any longer, 8 degrees is just insane! Frozen NJ for sure!


Its always good to have more happies than there are crappies!

What are your happies and crappies this week? Go link up with the girls and let us know!

Thoughts on Shop My Closet...

Hello, my name is Kristina and I'm a shopoholic.

I have no room in my closets. Yes, closets as in plural. I have taken over the walk in closet, spare room closet, and two dressers! It truely is a ridiculous obsession. I need some help getting rid of the items!

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I've been playing with the idea of starting a paypal account and selling some of my clothes through this site. I have been a huge fan of consignment shops in the past but I feel like the shop has recently been screwing me over. A top recently sold for $14.95 at the shop and I was credited $1.97. The split was always 60% them and 40% me. Not bad, right? When I questioned them they stated that was the correct split. Now I am terrible at math but in no language does that work out to 60%, 40%. A friend of mine shared that she had a similiar problem. Honestly it isn't worth the hassle or aggravation for me. I donate a lot of stuff but the stuff in really great condition I would really love to sell.

I shop, A LOT. Probably a little more than I should. I have clothes, jewelry and plenty of accessories. Sizes range from Medium, Large, 12-14. I'm rather busty so there are a few XL blouses and blazers. I take very good care of my items so I can assure you they are in good shape. Most have only been worn a handful of times. Items included in the sale are from some of my favorite stores. These include Old Navy, NY and Co., Ann Taylor, F21, H&M, Charlotte Rousse and Target.

I would like to know if any of my readers would be interested in any items? I've never done this before so helpful hints would be appreciated. I'm not sure of shipping or how figure shipping costs into the items. I through out the idea on Twitter today but haven't received any responses as of yet. Boohoo! Any suggestions would be appreciated.

THANK YOU 
:)

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Lies I tell myself!!!

Oh How Pinteresting.

Happy Hump Day!!!
Almost there. I can do this! I need the weekend bad!

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Movie Critic In The Making

So, I have never been one for movies. I don't know why I just usually don't care when a hit movie arrives in a theater. I'm content waiting until it comes to RedBox. I've turned over a new leaf. Brian and I have decided on a few movie date nights. I've been catching up on hottest movies of the award season. First, I had to pick my imaginary Hollywood husband, Bradley Cooper 's Silver Lining Playbook.

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I'm just going to put this out there,  best movie I have seen in a very long time. The movie based on a troubled man trying to put his life back together after a stay in a mental hospital. The 8 months away made him aware of his illness and the ability to work with it by moving forward as positive as possible. Jennifer Lawrence who is as equally as wonderful as Bradley Cooper plays a potential love interest with her own issues.

 I felt it was unique, interesting and inspiring. Robert DeNiro was fantastic, maybe not likable every moment but still an excellent roll. Although Chris Tucker and Jacki Weaver had smaller rolls their characters added the perfect amount of comic relief.

"You have to do everything you can, and if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining."

A must see in my opinion. 

Still to come:
-Argo 
-The Impossible

Have you seen Silver Lining Playbook?
Thoughts?

Always Move Forward...

So I guess you could say I survived this weekend. I think I just existed. Though several meltdowns and even a body aching panic attack I was able to put on a happy face and get through it. Although I ached inside I did it. I made it through. I survived it. I should give myself a little bit more credit. I didn't just exist. I just kept swimming, kept moving forward.

It was bad enough Saturday would have been baby G's due date but I had to make it through 2 baby showers this weekend. I thought I could do it. I thought I'd be fine. Right before I left the house I had a major panic attack. I've never experienced a panic or anxiety attack before but I imagine it was one of the above. I started to sweat. I got dizzy and nauseous. My heart pounded out of my chest and I felt like I could not physically leave my house. I clinched my fists so hard my finger nails cut open my hands. Thank goodness for a few good twitter and IRL friends who talked me down my entire hour drive. It took me a few minutes to get out of the car. I sat in the parking lot for a while. I dodged lots of baby questions and I was shocked at how well I did. I wanted to be there for my friend and I was. I did it. I stayed the entire 4 hours. Reflecting on the day at I drove home was tough. When I got home to my empty, dark house I crawled right in bed and watched Animal Planet until B got home. He brought dinner, flowers, and my favorite pretzels. We talked, ate and watched a movie all from our bed. It felt comfortable and safe. It was a reminder of how good we are together.

I woke up Sunday feeling better and refreshed. I helped to plan the shower scheduled for Sunday. I know it would be another day I'd have to struggle through. It was held in my clubhouse close to home. My mom and husband were there for support just in case. I think that added bit of comfort made the day easier for me. My best friend deserved a nice day and I wanted to be a part of it for her no matter how difficult it would be for me. It was just a reminder of my need to move forward and how I really can do it and I'm strong enough to continue to do so, It's not going to be easy. It isn't going and it isn't going to be quick but I'll get there.

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Happy Martin Luther King Day. Remember to be good to one another.

Today Should Have Been a Good Day

Today should have been a happy day. Today should have been the start of something beautiful. Today should have been a first of many happy first celebrations. Today should have been the day our first child made their arrival into this world. For the first time my husband a daddy and I a mommy. Today should have not been like it really is.

Today should have been the day where everything came together. Months of planning, blogging week to week, gender reveal parties, baby shower, first kicks, ultra sounds, heartbeats and belly photos should have all come together for a delivery date. That should have been today.

Today should have been beautiful. Instead today is a day I mourn. I mourn for the life of baby Gargano, a life that was ended so very short.
Today I also mourn me.

I mourn the person who I used to be. I mourn the loss of my innocence. I mourn my broken spirit. I mourn the happy, naive person I used to be.

For the past 7 months I don't recognize the girl looking back at me, the things I say, the things I feel.

"Married life is great"- We lost a baby and our marriage has suffered
"Merry Christmas"- We should be opening baby gifts like all my other friends.
"When are you going to have children?"- We did, I lost, I can't get pregnant!"

My world is full of triggers. Most places I go I feel the anxiety that something may trigger me into an all out meltdown. I often find myself waging a war against myself. Everything I say "Oh your baby is beautiful!" also means in my heart "I should have one too".  I often hear of pregnancies of facebook, in the news and honestly all of my friends and I feel jealous, sad and bitter. Who feels these kind of things???  I say to myself  "Why not me?" I use the terms "If I get pregnant instead of when we have a baby." Why am I angry and bitter? Bitter for my friends? People I care about? Why did I loss our baby?

Sometimes I wish I could fully move on without something simple triggering my sadness. I wish things didn't hurt but they do. I wish some one would just shake the sadness out. Yell at me, "You had an ectopic pregnancy. Your baby would have never survived. You could have died too but you didn't! You can't get pregnant! Just GET OVER IT" Everyone is just so tired of hearing it. Why can't I just be tired of feeling it; crying about it?

So instead I have to live with the person who I am now. The woman who cries a lot more than anyone should, the one who feeling sad, angry and bitter. The one who struggles more than she should. The woman who wants more time alone than with friends, pushes people away. The one who gets hurt so easily. The one who often feels like a shitty wife. I'll be fine. I'm always fine. It's not a bad life just a bad day. Today is just another trigger day. No one really knows what today is so I feel like again I suffer silently.

Today should have been a good day...

Happies and Crappies

My HAPPIES:
- Only a 4 day work week which means a 4 day weekend coming up.
-Made ME time and took 3 zumba classes this week. I'm finally remembering all of these steps and was able to dance in front with all the really good dancers.
- FINALLY started the gallery wall in my living room! Four pieces and more to come!
- Wine and movie night with my husband.


My CRAPPIES:
- Family drama.
- Gaining weight at Weight Watchers this week.
- Feeling sad that I decided not to accept some one's apology.
- Today is the 9th anniversary of my friend's Anthony's passing. He was such a wonderful person and missed by many.

What are your happier and crappies this week?
Go link up with the girls and tell us!

It's OK

It's OK

- To think my husband is the greatest guys around.

- To not accept all apologies. Especially when one is so half assed at best. If they aren't from the heart why would I want to accept you into my heart.

- That I'm so excited to get through today. Today is my Friday!

- To start start taking Biotin after realizing my skin and hair do not look young and cute anymore.

- My husband left the freezer open all night and you wake up to a freezer full of defrosting food. Cooking party!

- To not get mad about things I have no control over.

- To cry.

- To move on and leave some people in your past.

- That I have been reading this quote from The United States of Leland over and over again:

"Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen."

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If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me....


You'd know I love to shop. Sales and the clearance rack are my best friends. I don't have staple articles of clothing. I just have way to much.

You'd know I qualify myself as a tom boy with a glamorous side. A rather large one.

You'd know I've always struggled with self esteem. The older I get I feel it gets easier, with the exception of recent events.

You'd know that some times I feel closer to my blog/twitter friends than I do to my real life friends.

You'd know if I don't have my morning coffee I go the entire day thinking I'm forgetting something. (Along with a massive headache)

You'd know I love to eat fruit a few days before they become ripe.

You'd know I love it when it rains at night. I love to fall asleep to the sound.

You'd know I used to be a party animal. Now I can barely stay up passed 10:30.

You'd know before I met Brian I never believed in love and never wanted to get married.

You'd know I have a fantastic memory. I can usually remember small details about people, conversations and events.

You'd know my favorite thing to eat is sushi.

You'd know I struggle with my weight almost every minute of every day.

You'd know I've become pretty obsessed with Zumba.

You'd know I'm extremely social and LOVE being surrounded by friends, people, strangers to chat with!

You'd know I fall asleep during movies all the time, at home, drive in and movie theaters. Its bad and such a waste of money!

Just Because...

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Its been a difficult couple of weeks. With a due date approaching my heart hurts for things that might have been. I've become increasingly sad about everything. It doesn't help that the weather has been disgusting and I haven't seen the sun in 5 days. I've done so well with with my feelings these last several months so this setback seems even more difficult. I'm sure I will be fine I'm always fine. I just need to rush through the rest of this month.

Friday Letters

Dear Blog Buddies,
I guess this is my apology to you all. Stop reading if your not into a bunch of letters about the pity party I'm throwing for myself. You are amazing and I cherish you for always supporting and accepting me.

Dear Heart,
Stop getting involved in everything!!!! Stop feeling so much. Just pump blood. Thats all you need to do! Let the brain run this ship.

Dear Hockey,
Thanks for coming back. Can't wait to watch my Rangers kick some butt!

Dear Jeep,
Thanks for staying perfect for all of 5 days before your windshield decided to crack. Thanks for giving me 5 days of nice. To bad it couldn't have been longer.

Dear Best Friend,
You are the greatest. You are the only one who knows how I feel as much as I do. You are so much more than a best friend. You are my sister. I'm so very lucky to have you.

Dear Universe,
Why is it whenever anything is my life goes right in my life 3 things have to go wrong?

Dear Pinterest,
Thanks for things like this:

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Its OK

Its OK




-To tell people how you really feel. Even if they may not like what you have to say.

- To want 40 degree days or warmer in the winter.

- That I ate pretzels for dinner last night. To crave a vacation, so where warm and beachy!

- To avoid everyone. This flu outbreak is freaking me out. I have cleaned my desk, keyboard, hands over and over during the day.

- That my husband and I play a game of "How empty can we get the fridge"On Wednesday we had carrots, Siracha sauce, and one English Muffin left.

- That half our Christmas tree is still up. The other is laying on the floor in our living room.

- To really, really, really LOVE driving around in the new Jeep.

- To get sad when I have to take down decorations.

- To be a bad blogger lately


Happy Thursday!
GO link up with Neely and Amber

Oh How Pinteresting

Happy Wednesday. Linking up with Oh How Pinteresting.



Make sure you stop by Michelle's blog to check out what everyone else are is pinning and if you haven't already done so congratulate her on the new addition to her family!

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Life Lately....

Haven't done a life lately update in quite a while. What a whirlwind life has been. I can't believe its's January 7th. When did that happen????? The holidays went by so very fast. If only the rest of the winter would go by as fast! I can't stand the winter. 

So here is whats been going on in our life lately: 

Said goodbye to an old car. Rocking the new Jeep. Still loving the look of the Christmas lights. I'm delaying their take down. After Christmas Target sales, $1 for a tree topper. Yes please! Monster tissues, yep still icky sicky but getting better. Snow, snow, lots of it but its finally melting thanks to a a warm up this week. New bracelets and new winter hats! 

What's going on in your life lately?

Sunday Social

1. Do you plan to change any of your eating habits in the new year?
I do plan on continuing to eat better this year. I started Weight Watchers in September and I've been taking Zumba classes like nobodies business. I'm glad to say I felt great looking at December 2011 and December 2012 pictures. I can see the difference in my body and I love it.

2011

2012

2. Any workout tips to get us back in shape after the Holidays?
I'm a Zumba girl. I love it. I feel great doing it. I even feel a little sexy in class. My instructor went from a size 26 to a size 8 just taking Zumba and then becoming an instructor. She is a huge inspiration.

3. Favorite thing you did over the Holidays?
Christmas eve night when my Uncle from Georgia surprised us all and when my 3 year old nephew opened up the soccer net we got him and screamed  "YOU REMEMBERED" followed by a HUGE hug and kiss.

4. What is something you hope that you accomplish in 2013 that you did not in 2012?
I think I'd like to try and have a baby. Most of you know my struggles this last year. If that isn't in the cards for me I want to help myself be ok with that too.

5. Name 3 things happening this year you are excited about and why?

-Two of my best friends are having babies.

- A new car!!! I love driving this baby!!!

- Some home renovations, Hardwood floors? Granite countertops? Our home is a work in progress. 

Friday Letters

Dear Christmas/New Years,
I can't believe you're over already. Makes me sad that its all over. It was wonderful. Can't wait to see you again. Next time, slow down!

Dear Trusty Rusty Cavalier,
Thank you pretty baby! You have been a good car. I'm going to miss you. Especially the sun roof. What I won't miss is the broken driver side window that only rolled down when it wanted too; never at the Starbucks drive thru line and never rolled up especially in 12 degree temps. But I will miss you! Eleven years and never one "real" issue.

Dear Cold/Strop Throat,
Whatever you are, you are making me miserable! You ruined Christmas and New Years Eve festivities. A full week on antibiotics and no real improvement. My nose is on fire and my chest still hurts. Go away!

Dear Diet,
Sorry I've ignored you recently. I promise to get back to you soon. My pants are going to start feeling a little tight again if I don't back to you again soon.

Dear New Jeep,
Can't wait to get you tonight!!! So excited!

Dear Snow,
Thanks but I've had just about enough. Take your friend "cold temperatures" and head on out. Tell your buddy spring to get here quick!

Dear House,
Clean yourself! I don't want to. Sorry I've ignored you so!

New Year's Eve- In Pictures

We spent our New Year's Eve with our closest friends. We started off at their house for a yummy dinner than off to local resort. I wish I had felt better. Most of these pictures I feel like Droopy Dog. I just can't seem to kick this strep throat and this sorta cold. My eyes were so heavy and at a few times that night I wished we were home and I was in my jammies. I had a few dirty martinis to help me through. We left before midnight and watched the ball drop from the comfort of our living room and I finally got into my pjs!!! BTW did anyone catch Anderson and Kathy Griffin? I love him and love that awkward laugh of his when she does something inappropriate!

How what your NYE? Did you do anything exciting or did you crave your jammies like I did?