Thoughts on Expanding Your Family

As Jack gets older and closer to 2 the thoughts of having another baby become stronger.  Almost all of our mom's group friends are currently pregnant with number 2 or just had baby #2.  The struggle that comes with the decision to have #2 becomes a little harder. Now I am completely content with the life the 3 of us have now. The more I see birth announcements and the ever fun bump dates that baby fever gets a little stronger.

How could I not want another one of these to snuggle on???

The path to conceive wasn't easy for us. I often think about the baby I lost during my ectopic.  My ectopic pregnancy could have taken my life. It was misdiagnosed for 2 weeks and with each day that went by the baby grew in my tube causing massive internal bleeding. It cut off some circulation to the left side of my body causing nerve issues. At 9 weeks I had surgery to remove the baby from my tube. My surgeon was pretty fantastic and was able to save my left tube. Six months after I had healed from the ectopic surgery I had a miscarriage. This was one cycle before I got pregnant with Jack. Both were extremely tough on me our marriage. I only told my husband and best friend about my miscarriage. I was so traumatized after the ectopic I was very ashamed. I know that conceiving Jack helped save our marriage. If we didn't conceive Jack when we did I feel like the path I was going down was not a good one.

In addition to losing 2 pregnancies there is the constant fear of Cystic Fibrosis. As most of you know both Brian and I are carriers of Cystic Fibrosis genes. Jack was diagnosed with CF at 2 weeks old. I tested positive for the mutation during my pre natal bloodwork. Brian tested negative but the labs only test for 30 panels instead of 90 when testing for CF. Last year at this time I would have never even thought of having another child and subjecting them to this illness. During the last year of testing and information I've realized that medical science is so close to a cure, Jack is doing so well, actually BEYOND WELL and his CF is A-typical meaning due to the 2 mutations we have effects Jack differently than most cases. During Jack's last appointment we were informed of some pretty amazing medical advancements for Jack and others like him. In January Jack can begin medications that could potentially "fix" some of the genetic mutation. If your interested in reading more the medication is called Kalydeco.

I recently brought up the idea to Brian and his thoughts are to wait. There are several factors on why I agree with him. Being a parent, although so worth it, is exhausting and stress filled. Jack has gone through a phase where he hits, kicks, yells and melts down. It is not easy being a parent. We still don't sleep well and adding a pregnancy and new baby to the mix seems a bit crazy. Now although I completely agree with Brian there is a little part of me that realizes I'm 35 already!!! Ugh, I can't believe I'm getting so old. This old gal's clock is tick tocking away!


For moms out there; Was your decision to have one based on one thing or many? or did you stick to one child? What were the bases for your decisions???

Things Have Got to Get Better

I wasn't feeling very good on Monday. I woke up at 4:30. Went to boot camp and carried on with my day. In the late afternoon I starting getting some real nasty pains in my back and stomach but I pushed through. I attributed it to my monthly visitor that was a few days late. My period has been very different since my ectopic over the summer. I pushed myself because my best friend had a baby and I was leaving work early to see them. At about 2 pm I felt like my insides had fallen out. It was awful. The pain not so bad but aftermath was rough. It happened 4 other times that hour. I ruined my clothing. My heart sank because I had a similar feeling to this around the time of my ectopic. I kind of had a feeling I knew what was going on and tried to ignore it. The next day the doctor informed me his conclusion from tests was that I had an early, 4 week miscarriage. Not really much to say about it. I guess this happens to more women who never even realize. Since my ectopic I've been on a high alert when anything seems wrong. I almost wish I didn't go to the doctor because I really wish I didn't have to hear those words. 

I'm fine.

I guess. 

I feel like a failure. I feel like there is something wrong with me. 

I feel like my body has once again failed me. 

I guess I'm just a champ at losing babies. 

This pretty much says it all. 

Source: andsheisalwayswithyounow.tumblr.com via Kristina on Pinterest

Always Move Forward...

So I guess you could say I survived this weekend. I think I just existed. Though several meltdowns and even a body aching panic attack I was able to put on a happy face and get through it. Although I ached inside I did it. I made it through. I survived it. I should give myself a little bit more credit. I didn't just exist. I just kept swimming, kept moving forward.

It was bad enough Saturday would have been baby G's due date but I had to make it through 2 baby showers this weekend. I thought I could do it. I thought I'd be fine. Right before I left the house I had a major panic attack. I've never experienced a panic or anxiety attack before but I imagine it was one of the above. I started to sweat. I got dizzy and nauseous. My heart pounded out of my chest and I felt like I could not physically leave my house. I clinched my fists so hard my finger nails cut open my hands. Thank goodness for a few good twitter and IRL friends who talked me down my entire hour drive. It took me a few minutes to get out of the car. I sat in the parking lot for a while. I dodged lots of baby questions and I was shocked at how well I did. I wanted to be there for my friend and I was. I did it. I stayed the entire 4 hours. Reflecting on the day at I drove home was tough. When I got home to my empty, dark house I crawled right in bed and watched Animal Planet until B got home. He brought dinner, flowers, and my favorite pretzels. We talked, ate and watched a movie all from our bed. It felt comfortable and safe. It was a reminder of how good we are together.

I woke up Sunday feeling better and refreshed. I helped to plan the shower scheduled for Sunday. I know it would be another day I'd have to struggle through. It was held in my clubhouse close to home. My mom and husband were there for support just in case. I think that added bit of comfort made the day easier for me. My best friend deserved a nice day and I wanted to be a part of it for her no matter how difficult it would be for me. It was just a reminder of my need to move forward and how I really can do it and I'm strong enough to continue to do so, It's not going to be easy. It isn't going and it isn't going to be quick but I'll get there.

Source: Uploaded by user via Talia on Pinterest

Happy Martin Luther King Day. Remember to be good to one another.

Today Should Have Been a Good Day

Today should have been a happy day. Today should have been the start of something beautiful. Today should have been a first of many happy first celebrations. Today should have been the day our first child made their arrival into this world. For the first time my husband a daddy and I a mommy. Today should have not been like it really is.

Today should have been the day where everything came together. Months of planning, blogging week to week, gender reveal parties, baby shower, first kicks, ultra sounds, heartbeats and belly photos should have all come together for a delivery date. That should have been today.

Today should have been beautiful. Instead today is a day I mourn. I mourn for the life of baby Gargano, a life that was ended so very short.
Today I also mourn me.

I mourn the person who I used to be. I mourn the loss of my innocence. I mourn my broken spirit. I mourn the happy, naive person I used to be.

For the past 7 months I don't recognize the girl looking back at me, the things I say, the things I feel.

"Married life is great"- We lost a baby and our marriage has suffered
"Merry Christmas"- We should be opening baby gifts like all my other friends.
"When are you going to have children?"- We did, I lost, I can't get pregnant!"

My world is full of triggers. Most places I go I feel the anxiety that something may trigger me into an all out meltdown. I often find myself waging a war against myself. Everything I say "Oh your baby is beautiful!" also means in my heart "I should have one too".  I often hear of pregnancies of facebook, in the news and honestly all of my friends and I feel jealous, sad and bitter. Who feels these kind of things???  I say to myself  "Why not me?" I use the terms "If I get pregnant instead of when we have a baby." Why am I angry and bitter? Bitter for my friends? People I care about? Why did I loss our baby?

Sometimes I wish I could fully move on without something simple triggering my sadness. I wish things didn't hurt but they do. I wish some one would just shake the sadness out. Yell at me, "You had an ectopic pregnancy. Your baby would have never survived. You could have died too but you didn't! You can't get pregnant! Just GET OVER IT" Everyone is just so tired of hearing it. Why can't I just be tired of feeling it; crying about it?

So instead I have to live with the person who I am now. The woman who cries a lot more than anyone should, the one who feeling sad, angry and bitter. The one who struggles more than she should. The woman who wants more time alone than with friends, pushes people away. The one who gets hurt so easily. The one who often feels like a shitty wife. I'll be fine. I'm always fine. It's not a bad life just a bad day. Today is just another trigger day. No one really knows what today is so I feel like again I suffer silently.

Today should have been a good day...

7

I hate the number 7. I hate the 7th day of the month. Seven was not a lucky number for me. The 7th of the month has been pretty craptastic since June. Is it crazy that a person could dread a day of the month? It is only a day! Its only a number.

Another month has come and gone. I can't help but think of how different I am since June 7th. I sat in front of my computer screen for what seemed like forever trying to come up with ways I've changed for the better since that day. I got nothing; came up with nothing!

On the other hand it was easy to come up with all the ways I've changed for the worst. I've gained weight, lots of it. I make excuses to stay away for my pregnant friends. I dread seeing babies and pregnant women. I cry like its my job. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all. I fight with my husband, a lot. I'm jealous. I over eat. I spend way to much money on insignificant things. I drink too much. Yet, I go along with my daily life. Mostly I fake a smile and repeat to myself "Don't cry. Hold yourself together!"   I can't tell if I'm healing. It doesn't really feel like it. I maybe trying but I really don't know.

Source: mamamarchand.com via Kristina on Pinterest

I just keep hoping the the 7th of the month will just be another day. I really just want the day to come and go.

Confessional

Not really sure what prompted me to write about stuff like this again. It could be that yesterday made 2 months since everything happened. It could be because I've been holding a lot in lately, fighting with my husband, or hanging with 3 pregnant friend this weekend. I think its most likely because I feel like people have rushed me through my grief. Wondering why I still feel the way I do. I just want people to stop asking when will I get pregnant again like that will solve all the problems. I feel like here on this blog is the only place I can be me; be honest.

Source: via Kristina on Pinterest

Sometimes I think I should be over it too but I can't stop blaming myself.  Mostly I feel like I've ruined everything and its causing strain on my relationships, especially with my husband, my friends and family. I can't seem to forgive myself and just simply move on.

It bothers me when my husband tells me he doesn't think about it anymore. All I want him to do is listen and understand. Its very difficult when all he ever says is I should probably go to therapy. I try doing things to make me feel better. I try to look at my wedding photos. They only make me sad. Its just a reminder of how things used to be. I have tried so many things to make it better;
 yoga-didn't work,
dance- didn't work,
meditate- didn't work,
pray- didn't work,
eat, drink, shop- didn't work. 

Source: tumblr.com via Kristina on Pinterest

I'm trying to hard but can't seem to forgive myself and my body. I really hope time heals all wounds. These 2 months have not been kind to me.

Playing Catch Up

I can't believe its been over a week since I posted anything. I wish I could say it was because we were out on some amazing adventures but it was really just a ton work hours and lack of inspiration. We did do our fair share of galavanting last week. I feel like I have to catch you up on our recent happenings.

Celebrated my husband's birthday!

Spent a lot of time at our best friend's new home.
They closed on a house 10 minutes from our front door.
YAY!

My little brother's surprise 30th birthday

Wedding pictures. I have over 900 to browse. Its insane! I'm attempting to find a few for thank you cards, some for blog posts, some for wedding albums. My brain my burst!

Swimming. This heat wave has been insane. Even Bogart got in on the action.

I went back to dark. The red haired gal just wasn't me. I needed a change.

Housesitting; Sadly while we were staying at Brian's family home his mother's dog took a turn for the worst and had to be put down. It was heartbreaking. The loss of a pet is never easy. I think it gets harder every time. We just have to believe our Bailey Boy is suffering no more.

Source: soontobeamrs42912.blogspot.com via Kristina on Pinterest

Bailey last 4th of July. 

Till we meet again just upon the rainbow bridge! 

The 1 month mark has come and gone. This Saturday marked 1 month since the surgery to remove my ectopic pregnancy. Most days I still feel like I'm dangling from a string a sanity. Its been hard, really hard. Its been harder than I ever imagined. I think about it every day and I still cry almost every day. I gained weight and I don't really care. Most of the time I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I find it difficult to have fun. I attempt to find the positive of things around me but I'm only human and I have setbacks, lots of them.  I understand people have it much worse than I do but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Its been so hard doing every day to day things. I have cut down on reading blogs, considering 2 of my favorites have been recently based around their pregnancies and now my 3rd favorite blogger has announced her pregnancy. I really wish it wasn't so damn difficult. I genuinely am happy for them its just hard to see where they are and knowing I won't be. Life can be tough some times. No matter how difficult I'm finding life lately I still know I have a support system in my husband, friends and family. They have accepted every break down and given me the love and space I needed.

I promise, friends, I will get back to my normal self soon. I'm really trying!

Empty

We are supposed to depart on our honeymoon in less than a week. 

I don't want to go anymore. 

I feel terrible. 

I feel sad. 

Emotionally and physically hurt

I can't see myself having any fun while I'm there.

I can't see myself having much fun at all. 

For goodness sake I can't go an hour with out crying.
Yesterday I tried getting back to normal.
 I really am trying!
 I painted my nails and even tried to pack a suitcase.
(We didn't buy honeymoon insurance so we have got to go.)

This is the last picture we took together before everything started to unravel. 

We were both very happy. We had fun with friends, visited local wineries, laughed and enjoyed one another. All with horrendous turmoil about to develop in my body. 

I can't wait for the time when we feel like that again.
Carefree and HAPPY

Dear god I wish it was sooner rather than later because I don't know how people recover from stuff like this and get back to the people they always were.

I find myself wanting to blog a lot about my feelings.
It's hard for me to talk about it because I get emotional and I don't like to cry in front of people.
I don't like to be vulnerable.
Also, I don't know anyone who has gone through anything like this.
People don't know what to say or do.
The supportive emails and comments I have received from new friends who are reading my posts.
Their strength gives me hope.

On The Mend...

My body is healing and so is my heart. Yesterday the baby that was growing in my fallopian tube was removed to save my life. I arrived at the hospital very early and was prepped for the first surgery of the day. As I laid in the hospital bed waiting for the nurse it was the loneliest experience of my life. They had my mom and husband wait in the waiting room. I had the loveliest nurse who sat with me and comforted me as I cried. She reminded me I needed time to heal. My doctor reminded us what was at stake during surgery. For the first time I could see the anxiety and fear in my husbands face, absolutely heart wrenching.

As they wheeled me in to the OR all I could think of was the terrible things that could happen during surgery. They next thing I knew I was barely awake, crying and telling the nurse my belly hurt. It was all over and I could hear my doctor say everything went great and they were able to save my tube. I didn't know if I had just dreamed it so I asked my nurse and Brian later on. Brian told me once he heard the words he was immediately relieved but I still see the stress and sadness on his face. I am so glad my mom and Brian were there to comfort one another yesterday. 

Recovery went better than I expected but I guess morphine and percocets will do that to you. I tried to stay as positive as possible. Remembered all of your prayers, well wishes, messages and loving emails as I  went through recovery. I am in a lot of pain but I know the physical pain will get better. Although yesterday I felt relieved today I feel the sadness of what has truly happened. My new friend Casey emailed me a loving message saying she finds comfort knowing that our little ones are in heaven and waiting for us. I try and find comfort in that. I hope that my little one and my aunt have found one another and they are watching over us.

As I recover I will try my hardest to get back to real life. Hoping the sorrow and the pity with fade from other's faces when I tell them. I just want to smile again.

My family and I thank you all for your prayers, well wishes and positive vibes. I have looked at your comments and emails and it has filled my heart with so much comfort and love.
-K

Simply the BEST get well card from my nephew. 

He said it was a happy rainbow fish because I had a boo-boo in my belly.