Confessional

Not really sure what prompted me to write about stuff like this again. It could be that yesterday made 2 months since everything happened. It could be because I've been holding a lot in lately, fighting with my husband, or hanging with 3 pregnant friend this weekend. I think its most likely because I feel like people have rushed me through my grief. Wondering why I still feel the way I do. I just want people to stop asking when will I get pregnant again like that will solve all the problems. I feel like here on this blog is the only place I can be me; be honest.

Source: via Kristina on Pinterest

Sometimes I think I should be over it too but I can't stop blaming myself.  Mostly I feel like I've ruined everything and its causing strain on my relationships, especially with my husband, my friends and family. I can't seem to forgive myself and just simply move on.

It bothers me when my husband tells me he doesn't think about it anymore. All I want him to do is listen and understand. Its very difficult when all he ever says is I should probably go to therapy. I try doing things to make me feel better. I try to look at my wedding photos. They only make me sad. Its just a reminder of how things used to be. I have tried so many things to make it better;
 yoga-didn't work,
dance- didn't work,
meditate- didn't work,
pray- didn't work,
eat, drink, shop- didn't work. 

Source: tumblr.com via Kristina on Pinterest

I'm trying to hard but can't seem to forgive myself and my body. I really hope time heals all wounds. These 2 months have not been kind to me.

...

It pains me to type this. I guess its just a way of making me feel better. I can't really explain why I feel the need to blog about this. I think I just need too.
Last week this happened....

I hadn't been feeling well and I was late. I thought I was sick. Several years pre cancer cells were found at an annual appointment so I rushed to my doctor and we found this out. A few short days later at an ultra sound we were told there was no viable baby in my womb and I was in the midst of a 6 week miscarriage. The roller coaster of emotions has taken a toll on me. Each twinge of pain in my stomach and my back I am reminded of how my body is failing me. I have never in my life felt like more of a failure than I do right now. I can't eat or sleep. As a sit here typing I feel as if the whole world is moving and I'm standing still watching it go by. This is our first month of marriage. We should be happy! We should be enjoying being newlyweds not coping with the sadness of a miscarriage. How could we have been so careless to let this happen? I'm so angry with myself!

We were not trying to have a baby. Honest that doctor's appointment was a complete shock. I don't even think I was excited. I regret that every second. Why did I feel that way? Why wasn't I immediately ecstatic? Why wasn't I thrilled like Brian was? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I stop crying? Why do I have so much guilt? How long will I feel this way? So many questions I can't answer and I never will. Will this grief ever leave? When will I feel happy again?

I woke up at 4am today; the day after I heard the words. And for one brief second I thought this all didn't happen and everything was ok, but it happened. I had a miscarriage? I cried for 3 hours in our bathroom. I've been up for 8 hours and its not even lunch time. My boss is away so I have to be at work. It is just the loneliest place and the loneliest feeling.

I have only let Brian and my best friend's know at this point so its weird how I feel I can post for any stranger to read. Sometimes I find it easier to express things though this blog.

I wrote this a day a day after to try and make sense of the hurt I was feeling. This was my reasoning behind my little break. I couldn't bare to read or see any pregnancy posts or nursery pictures. I realized I had to get it out. I was in need of some support. Its about 5 days later and emotionally I am doing a bit better.  Emotionally I am feeling better. Trying to get back to normal. Physically I feel terrible. I'm feeling very icky, tired and weak.