Empty

We are supposed to depart on our honeymoon in less than a week. 

I don't want to go anymore. 

I feel terrible. 

I feel sad. 

Emotionally and physically hurt

I can't see myself having any fun while I'm there.

I can't see myself having much fun at all. 

For goodness sake I can't go an hour with out crying.
Yesterday I tried getting back to normal.
 I really am trying!
 I painted my nails and even tried to pack a suitcase.
(We didn't buy honeymoon insurance so we have got to go.)

This is the last picture we took together before everything started to unravel. 

We were both very happy. We had fun with friends, visited local wineries, laughed and enjoyed one another. All with horrendous turmoil about to develop in my body. 

I can't wait for the time when we feel like that again.
Carefree and HAPPY

Dear god I wish it was sooner rather than later because I don't know how people recover from stuff like this and get back to the people they always were.

I find myself wanting to blog a lot about my feelings.
It's hard for me to talk about it because I get emotional and I don't like to cry in front of people.
I don't like to be vulnerable.
Also, I don't know anyone who has gone through anything like this.
People don't know what to say or do.
The supportive emails and comments I have received from new friends who are reading my posts.
Their strength gives me hope.

On The Mend...

My body is healing and so is my heart. Yesterday the baby that was growing in my fallopian tube was removed to save my life. I arrived at the hospital very early and was prepped for the first surgery of the day. As I laid in the hospital bed waiting for the nurse it was the loneliest experience of my life. They had my mom and husband wait in the waiting room. I had the loveliest nurse who sat with me and comforted me as I cried. She reminded me I needed time to heal. My doctor reminded us what was at stake during surgery. For the first time I could see the anxiety and fear in my husbands face, absolutely heart wrenching.

As they wheeled me in to the OR all I could think of was the terrible things that could happen during surgery. They next thing I knew I was barely awake, crying and telling the nurse my belly hurt. It was all over and I could hear my doctor say everything went great and they were able to save my tube. I didn't know if I had just dreamed it so I asked my nurse and Brian later on. Brian told me once he heard the words he was immediately relieved but I still see the stress and sadness on his face. I am so glad my mom and Brian were there to comfort one another yesterday. 

Recovery went better than I expected but I guess morphine and percocets will do that to you. I tried to stay as positive as possible. Remembered all of your prayers, well wishes, messages and loving emails as I  went through recovery. I am in a lot of pain but I know the physical pain will get better. Although yesterday I felt relieved today I feel the sadness of what has truly happened. My new friend Casey emailed me a loving message saying she finds comfort knowing that our little ones are in heaven and waiting for us. I try and find comfort in that. I hope that my little one and my aunt have found one another and they are watching over us.

As I recover I will try my hardest to get back to real life. Hoping the sorrow and the pity with fade from other's faces when I tell them. I just want to smile again.

My family and I thank you all for your prayers, well wishes and positive vibes. I have looked at your comments and emails and it has filled my heart with so much comfort and love.
-K

Simply the BEST get well card from my nephew. 

He said it was a happy rainbow fish because I had a boo-boo in my belly.