Back To Work and Full of Tears

Oh, how I've dreaded this day, probably since finding out we were having a baby last April.  As I type this my little guy is out cold on my chest and my tears soak his tiny head. I'm using his burp cloth as a tissue. I've been crying almost non stop since Friday.  Not just tears either.  I'm talking full on, ugly cry. I've tried to take in every moment a little bit more as my maternity leave comes to an end. I know so many women have done it before me and so many will do it after me nut I'm not handling this well at all.  It's so hard being a mommy whether you work inside the home or out.  It just seems so unnatural leave your baby.

Jack is such an angel.  We haven't been separated for more than 2 hours since he was born.  I know so many women have told me to enjoy the time apart or see it as a break but I haven't needed a break. I just think its so unfair. I go off to work taking care of other people children while some one else has to watch my boy.

My job has been kind enough to start me off this week part time.  My schedule will also go down to 32 hours.  We are making adjustments with our spending habits and the cut will be difficult but we will make it work.  This extra day will leave a day open for all of Jack's medical appointments. We are happy to report that although he has his first cold he is doing well and his lungs are clear. He is also up to 11 pounds 13 ounces!

Here are some new pictures of our little man...

Send Xanax, wine and/or chocolate!

I Confess...

I was inspired by Erin's post last week after reading some of her recent confessions. Considering so many of Erin's confessions were similar to mine I have a few myself I thought I'd share. Plus, I have a lack of creativity along with lack of sleep.Check out Erin's confessions here.

Here goes...

- My kitchen looks like a tornado hit on a daily basis. I seriously dislike a messy kitchen BUT these days... Oh well,  I'm too tired to care.

- Speaking of tired..I really, no I mean REALLY,  REALLY miss caffeine. I gave up caffeine the day I found out I was pregnant. I had a severe migraine for a week and haven't had any since. I didn't crave it at all when I was pregnant but I NEED it now. The 3am and 6am wake up calls have taken a toll.

- I haven't worn anything other than black, dark colors, long scarves and cardigans to hide this post preggo body. I have no idea what I'm going to do when the weather gets nicer in a few weeks.

- I feel guilty every time I put my little man down. When we are with family and they are playing pass the baby I miss him even when I'm in the same room with him.

- I take pictures and over share Jack's face all over Facebook and Instagram. I'm not sorry about it at all either!


- I look like this.  I'm heavier than I've ever been. I look exhausted all the time. I can't stand how bad or heavy I look but I remind myself Jack was worth it all.  My body did amazing things. I need to give myself a break. There will be plenty of time for me to work out soon.

- I've been having terrible nightmares lately. I think I'm stressing over going back to work soon.

My Little Pot of Gold

Talk about smiling Irish eyes. It's funny because my little Italian/Irish baby looks more Irish every day. I think I see some hints of red or strawberry blond in his eyebrows. His hair still looks dark like daddy's hair. His eyes are definitely a gray, blue just like mine.

Happy St. Paddy's Day to all. Today Jack and I will be laying low. We got to celebrate with my parents yesterday and enjoyed corned beef, cabbage and soda bread too.

Jack's Birth Announcement Photos

I took it upon myself to take some photos of Jack that I ended up using as his birth announcement photos. Clearly, I am not a photographer but it was a fun little project for us to do together.  Here are just a few of my favorites.

We purchased Jack's personalized onsie here. 

Wishing I Could Be a Stay At Home Mom

I'm going back to work April 1st. I can barely think about it with out overwhelming sadness. I've been crying a lot lately knowing that my days of maternity leave are dwindling. I can't imagine the day when I can't cuddle with my little man whenever I want. Jack currently has an attachment to me. He laughs when I talk and turns his head to look for me. I have this terrible fear that when I go to work he will forget that and our bond will not be as close as it is. I currently leave at 9am and I don't get home till after 7. It just seems like way to long to be out of house and away from my sweet boy.

My entire life I wanted to have a successful job, big house, nice clothes and all that jazz. Since having Jack I would trade that all in just to be able to spend time with my son. None of that matters to me any more. When my brother and I were little my mother chose to stay home with us. She quit a successful job in Manhattan to stay home with us until my brother was 8 and I was 10 years old. We did not have the newest clothes (mostly hand me downs), we never had brand name things, we didn't take a lot of vacations but we always had our mom there for us. I wouldn't trade that experience for the world and wish I could do the same with my Jack. I've been experiencing such guilt about bad money making decisions I've made in my past. If only I had looked to the future when planning out my life.

Combined with the guilty of poor money making decisions I worry about Jack's health. As it is Jack's daily breathing treatments take a large amount of time and they are taxing on all of us. They will only get harder as he gets older and is more mobile. Most days they last over 90 minutes, lots of tears on all our parts and usually conclude with a massive vomiting episode. Due to  the vomiting we have to plan feedings around all treatments.  It's nothing short of heartbreaking. I don't know how we are going to fit in a 10 hour work day in addition to his therapies.

I want to stay at home to care for Jack and all of his health needs. I want to be the one to take him to all his medical visits, there are a lot of them. I just don't know if it's in the cards for us at this time. I have no idea where to even start thinking about how we could afford to do it. I've been trying to come up with ways to make it all work but I could use your help.

So my question to any stay at home moms out there is how do you do it?

What sacrifices have you and your family made?

Any suggestions on how to do it?

Jack 2 Months

I can't believe Jack is already 2 months old (and a few days)Jack is growing so strong and he changes everyday. I can't believe I lived so long with out him in my life. He makes everyday better. He makes everyday happier. He is the light of my life.

Weight and Height- Jack now 10 pounds 3 ounces.  We have increased his food intake as his doctors were concerned his weight was not increasing like it should.  He went up 13 ounces since last week.  We are thrilled.  Jack is also 22 inches long!

Health- Jack continues to go back to his specialist. We met with his respiratory specialist too. She has put Jack on a nebulizer 2 times a day followed up by percussion therapy where we hit his back with cup like paddles.  It has been a lot for us. My husband is calm about everything but I cry every time its done.  Jack doesn't like one portion of the nebulizer treatment and screams through it making it heartbreaking to listen to. The treatment will help loosen the mucus in his lungs.  The treatment takes over an hour each time. We do have great news though, He does not need enzyme therapy!!!! His body is working well! We are thrilled! We are all about little victories around here lately! 

Sleep- Jack is a great sleeper. He  was sleeping through the night. We have to wake him up every 4 hours to feed him. 

Crying- Jack barely cries. He is such a happy little boy. He cries during his treatment but when he isn't crying he giggles through it. He is my little champion. His strength for such a little man inspires me every second of the day. 

Clothes- Jack is too long for newborn but still a little too small for 3 month clothes. 

Feedings- Breast milk and I've had to supplement with some formula. I hate that but I'm just not pumping enough for him. I pump every 2 hours and barely get 3 ounces. I'm taking Fenugreek and drinking Mother's Milk tea in hopes of increasing. Jack's nutritionist is glad I've started to supplement. She thinks the stress of breast feeding was causing stress that was impacting my supply negatively 

Routine- It took some time but we are in a routine. Mommy feeds him and pumps every 2 hours. Jack has started taking a nap after his 8am feeding and usually sleeps until 11. Our night time routine is great. He gets in the bath and it wakes him up nicely so he is tired by the time we go to sleep. This is usually up until 11 or 12 and I've been waking him to eat at 4am. 

Social- He is so incredibly happy and friendly. He goes to anyone and enjoys being held by every one. He loves his activity mat. He chats it up with his hanging friends. He choos and smiles at me all the time. He loves listening to me sing to him (I don't know why. I'm a terrible singer)

Guy's night with his bff Michael. 

Jack's first party

Laying in his crib for naps. 

First trip out for dinner with mom and dad.  He did great.  

With great grandma

At the doctor.

Look how much he has grown.  

Getting so big.