Days Like These

Source

A day after I received the news that the baby I was carrying would not make it to term I took the day off to process, rest and wait for my body to react. Most importantly I took the day to hold Jack as much as I could. I couldn't bare to go to work and pretend I was fine. I could barely make it through a few minutes with out tears filling my eyes. Days like that one were tough. Who am I kidding most days were tough. That lump in your throat that just won't go away. The throbbing headache  and the sadness. Oh, the sadness was consuming.

I couldn't sit in the house like I had done the day before. I got myself and Jack dressed picked up coffee for me and breakfast for him. Score one for mom of the year because I bought him fruit and a sugar cookie for him from Starbucks. We made our way to the park. It's surprising how empty the park is at 9am on a dreary Wednesday morning but it was just what I needed. I couldn't bare to fill my morning with conversations with strangers. It was just Jack and I the whole time. He ran and played. Most of all he had a really good time. I pushed him on the swing and listened to him yell "Again, again, this is FUN." He went up and down on the slide and as I watched I couldn't help but cry the whole time. I cried for the baby I was losing; the baby I would never know. I cried for myself. I cried for the dreams of our family of four. I cried for my husband and Jack but as I cried I smiled because I knew that Jack had saved me in so many ways. His smile and just his presence is helping me cope. 

It's hard being a good mom to Jack as I'm feeling so sad for myself. It's hard to heal when you're running around after a toddler. Jack is, however, in his own helping me to heal. He keeps my mind busy to a point where sometimes I forget what has happened. As I sat crying on the couch Jack looked at me and said "Mommy crying?"and he ran over with a loud, fake, laugh. He must sense something is wrong with his mommy. I know he was trying to cheer me up in his own little way and I am thankful for that.

I'm also so thankful for the kind words of my blog and Instagram friends. I received so many emails and well wishes from other woman who were going through the same thing and woman who had never went through it but wanted to send their love. I'm lucky to have some many people who love and care for me and for that I am thankful.