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LIFE, LOVE AND A SPLASH OF SOME GLAMOUR

Monday, June 4, 2012

...

It pains me to type this. I guess its just a way of making me feel better. I can't really explain why I feel the need to blog about this. I think I just need too.
Last week this happened....



I hadn't been feeling well and I was late. I thought I was sick. Several years pre cancer cells were found at an annual appointment so I rushed to my doctor and we found this out. A few short days later at an ultra sound we were told there was no viable baby in my womb and I was in the midst of a 6 week miscarriage. The roller coaster of emotions has taken a toll on me. Each twinge of pain in my stomach and my back I am reminded of how my body is failing me. I have never in my life felt like more of a failure than I do right now. I can't eat or sleep. As a sit here typing I feel as if the whole world is moving and I'm standing still watching it go by. This is our first month of marriage. We should be happy! We should be enjoying being newlyweds not coping with the sadness of a miscarriage. How could we have been so careless to let this happen? I'm so angry with myself!

We were not trying to have a baby. Honest that doctor's appointment was a complete shock. I don't even think I was excited. I regret that every second. Why did I feel that way? Why wasn't I immediately ecstatic? Why wasn't I thrilled like Brian was? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I stop crying? Why do I have so much guilt? How long will I feel this way? So many questions I can't answer and I never will. Will this grief ever leave? When will I feel happy again?

I woke up at 4am today; the day after I heard the words. And for one brief second I thought this all didn't happen and everything was ok, but it happened. I had a miscarriage? I cried for 3 hours in our bathroom. I've been up for 8 hours and its not even lunch time. My boss is away so I have to be at work. It is just the loneliest place and the loneliest feeling.

I have only let Brian and my best friend's know at this point so its weird how I feel I can post for any stranger to read. Sometimes I find it easier to express things though this blog.

I wrote this a day a day after to try and make sense of the hurt I was feeling. This was my reasoning behind my little break. I couldn't bare to read or see any pregnancy posts or nursery pictures. I realized I had to get it out. I was in need of some support. Its about 5 days later and emotionally I am doing a bit better.  Emotionally I am feeling better. Trying to get back to normal. Physically I feel terrible. I'm feeling very icky, tired and weak. 

14 comments:

Paige said...

Thinking about you!

Julie Merryman said...

I'm so sorry about your loss. While I haven't had a miscarriage, my bff and my little sister both did last September. It was heartbreaking and traumatizing. It's going to be hard for a while, but hopefully it will get better sooner rather than later!

Nichole said...

Oh girl. I am so sorry to read this. We aren't trying at all but I think I'd be very sad too. I hope things get better for you. I'm glad you have a supportive husband who is there for you through this!

Krystal said...

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Molly said...

I'm so sorry, Kristina. Thinking of you and Brian. <3

Kristin said...

So so sorry, Kristina. Saying a prayer for you.

Suze said...

I am so, so sorry. I know that it hurts. Don't judge yourself harshly on your feelings. Allow yourself to feel all that you need to.

Thoughts and prayers for you.

Megan said...

Oh girl, I am SO SO sorry to hear this. I'm actually crying for you. I know the pain, the devastation, the hurt feeling like your body has betrayed you. I've been there. Please please email me if you need to talk. It's only been 3.5 months since my miscarriage and the feelings are still there every single day. I'd love to talk with you about it. Support is good and we all need to let those feelings out! Mackeymadness@gmail.com

Sarah @ 90 Percent Blonde... said...

I am so sorry to hear. I know how you're feeling... we would have been 11 weeks this past Saturday but lost the baby right before 9 weeks. As much as people try, no one can say anything that will take the pain away. But I am here if you need to talk <3

Blubtrflygrl said...

:( Sorry for your loss.

Danielle said...

I so incredibly sorry you went through this! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Kristin said...

I am so sorry sweet girl. You will be in my thoughts.

NYC Recessionista said...

Kristina I am so very sorry :( I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I think it's good to talk about it and talk about how you're feeling though -- I have been having some issues lately, too, and I was amazed by how many people have said they've experienced the same thing when I told them what I was going through. It makes you feel better and less alone. There is nothing worse than a woman left with her own thoughts :( the gears just start turning and we are always the hardest on ourselves. Just try and focus on all of the good things in your life, lean on each other, and hopefully it'll help some. I am sending positive vibes your way!

Laura at Saying I do said...

Just catching up now...I'm so so sorry to hear this! This truly is tragic and it is ok to be sad and hurt and upset. You have every right to feel that way, but just know that bit by bit..each day, has to get a little bit easier and a little bit better. Each day you'll realize all the great things you have in your life and this will turn around. Thank you for being open and honest and sharing this with us...that must not have been easy. Thinking of you!

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