Days Like These

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A day after I received the news that the baby I was carrying would not make it to term I took the day off to process, rest and wait for my body to react. Most importantly I took the day to hold Jack as much as I could. I couldn't bare to go to work and pretend I was fine. I could barely make it through a few minutes with out tears filling my eyes. Days like that one were tough. Who am I kidding most days were tough. That lump in your throat that just won't go away. The throbbing headache  and the sadness. Oh, the sadness was consuming.

I couldn't sit in the house like I had done the day before. I got myself and Jack dressed picked up coffee for me and breakfast for him. Score one for mom of the year because I bought him fruit and a sugar cookie for him from Starbucks. We made our way to the park. It's surprising how empty the park is at 9am on a dreary Wednesday morning but it was just what I needed. I couldn't bare to fill my morning with conversations with strangers. It was just Jack and I the whole time. He ran and played. Most of all he had a really good time. I pushed him on the swing and listened to him yell "Again, again, this is FUN." He went up and down on the slide and as I watched I couldn't help but cry the whole time. I cried for the baby I was losing; the baby I would never know. I cried for myself. I cried for the dreams of our family of four. I cried for my husband and Jack but as I cried I smiled because I knew that Jack had saved me in so many ways. His smile and just his presence is helping me cope. 

It's hard being a good mom to Jack as I'm feeling so sad for myself. It's hard to heal when you're running around after a toddler. Jack is, however, in his own helping me to heal. He keeps my mind busy to a point where sometimes I forget what has happened. As I sat crying on the couch Jack looked at me and said "Mommy crying?"and he ran over with a loud, fake, laugh. He must sense something is wrong with his mommy. I know he was trying to cheer me up in his own little way and I am thankful for that.

I'm also so thankful for the kind words of my blog and Instagram friends. I received so many emails and well wishes from other woman who were going through the same thing and woman who had never went through it but wanted to send their love. I'm lucky to have some many people who love and care for me and for that I am thankful. 

My Black Friday

Happy belated Turkey Day everyone !Is everyone still stuffed? We are feeling a little under the weather around these parts! Poor Jack is sick, again. This makes 3 times in 3 months! Talk about building immunity! He was all about sharing this Thanksgiving so my husband and I have the sniffles too!  It's been a rough couple of weeks since my miscarriage and I'm still feeling down in the dumps so today we've decided to lay around the house and take it easy. My husband is working extra hours so he probably won't be home till after 10 tonight so its just me and a sick toddler. Here are a few things getting me through today.

1. Coffee and left over desserts!- Thankfully my aunt sent me home with some pumpkin cookies and cake pops because nothing cures the blues like homemade sweets! Pair it with the extra caffeine I'm going to need to get me through!

2. Tylenol- I'm not a real medicine taker but I have been in pair for almost 2 weeks. The cramping has been much worse than I expected and I've rallied through it all but add a nasty cold and headache this girl has given up! Load me up with all the medicine!

3. Comfy Jammies and lots of Snuggles- I'm all about the comfort lately. I just picked up some comfy lounge clothes last weekend on my solo trip to Target. They are perfect for snuggling up my sick little boy!

4. Christmas Movie Marathon- I'm a firm believer a good Christmas movie can change a rough day to a good day! I've already watched Home Alone, The Christmas Card, Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas and Elf!

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5. Online Sales- I really don't need much BUT I couldn't resist 60% off almost everything at Old Navy.  Carter's had some great stuff but every darn thing was already old out! Bummer! I'll just wait till Monday. I'm not doing a huge shop but I do like to online window shop!

How re you spending your Black Friday?

There Is No Greater Agony...

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There are moments in our lives that seem to make very little sense. Moments that are sheer joy that quickly turn to immense sadness with little to no explanation why. A few weeks back we were pleasantly surprised with two little lines on a pregnancy test. In all actuality it was about 6 lines because I didn't really expect it so I took numerous tests with the same results, a big fat positive. A week later I was pretty surprised with an OB office test results were negative. This led to several blood tests with the same conclusion. All my HCG levels decreased over time and several days later it was confirmed I was losing our baby. I wish I could say this is the first time and these feelings were new to me but they are not. Sadly, this is my third loss and they all hurt same. I've cried. I've asked why. I've doubted my body and I have blamed myself. This time I do have my Jack to remind me that miracles do happen and I have to stay positive. I have to rally for him to be a good mom for him. It is a blessing but it is also really hard when you have little to no time for self care when your body is fighting against you.

To anyone else going through this or have gone through it my heart is with  you. I know your pain. I share your pain.

Not Borken, Just Bent

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It hasn't been the easiest of days since last week.

Physically I'm feeling good. I've pushed myself and haven't missed any boot camp classes.

Mentally I'm feeling a little beaten up.

I tend to do that to myself.

I'm surprisingly doing better than I expected.

I think the idea is to keep busy!

When I stop doing things I start thinking,

which leads to over thinking,

which leads to tons of negative thoughts about myself.

Just have to keep telling myself I'm not broken and everything will be fine.

I've been listening to this a lot over the weekend.

I think I just really like the lyric, "‎"It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent"

Things Have Got to Get Better

I wasn't feeling very good on Monday. I woke up at 4:30. Went to boot camp and carried on with my day. In the late afternoon I starting getting some real nasty pains in my back and stomach but I pushed through. I attributed it to my monthly visitor that was a few days late. My period has been very different since my ectopic over the summer. I pushed myself because my best friend had a baby and I was leaving work early to see them. At about 2 pm I felt like my insides had fallen out. It was awful. The pain not so bad but aftermath was rough. It happened 4 other times that hour. I ruined my clothing. My heart sank because I had a similar feeling to this around the time of my ectopic. I kind of had a feeling I knew what was going on and tried to ignore it. The next day the doctor informed me his conclusion from tests was that I had an early, 4 week miscarriage. Not really much to say about it. I guess this happens to more women who never even realize. Since my ectopic I've been on a high alert when anything seems wrong. I almost wish I didn't go to the doctor because I really wish I didn't have to hear those words. 

I'm fine.

I guess. 

I feel like a failure. I feel like there is something wrong with me. 

I feel like my body has once again failed me. 

I guess I'm just a champ at losing babies. 

This pretty much says it all. 

Source: andsheisalwayswithyounow.tumblr.com via Kristina on Pinterest

...

It pains me to type this. I guess its just a way of making me feel better. I can't really explain why I feel the need to blog about this. I think I just need too.
Last week this happened....

I hadn't been feeling well and I was late. I thought I was sick. Several years pre cancer cells were found at an annual appointment so I rushed to my doctor and we found this out. A few short days later at an ultra sound we were told there was no viable baby in my womb and I was in the midst of a 6 week miscarriage. The roller coaster of emotions has taken a toll on me. Each twinge of pain in my stomach and my back I am reminded of how my body is failing me. I have never in my life felt like more of a failure than I do right now. I can't eat or sleep. As a sit here typing I feel as if the whole world is moving and I'm standing still watching it go by. This is our first month of marriage. We should be happy! We should be enjoying being newlyweds not coping with the sadness of a miscarriage. How could we have been so careless to let this happen? I'm so angry with myself!

We were not trying to have a baby. Honest that doctor's appointment was a complete shock. I don't even think I was excited. I regret that every second. Why did I feel that way? Why wasn't I immediately ecstatic? Why wasn't I thrilled like Brian was? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I stop crying? Why do I have so much guilt? How long will I feel this way? So many questions I can't answer and I never will. Will this grief ever leave? When will I feel happy again?

I woke up at 4am today; the day after I heard the words. And for one brief second I thought this all didn't happen and everything was ok, but it happened. I had a miscarriage? I cried for 3 hours in our bathroom. I've been up for 8 hours and its not even lunch time. My boss is away so I have to be at work. It is just the loneliest place and the loneliest feeling.

I have only let Brian and my best friend's know at this point so its weird how I feel I can post for any stranger to read. Sometimes I find it easier to express things though this blog.

I wrote this a day a day after to try and make sense of the hurt I was feeling. This was my reasoning behind my little break. I couldn't bare to read or see any pregnancy posts or nursery pictures. I realized I had to get it out. I was in need of some support. Its about 5 days later and emotionally I am doing a bit better.  Emotionally I am feeling better. Trying to get back to normal. Physically I feel terrible. I'm feeling very icky, tired and weak.