Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Oh How Pinteresting-Bachelorette Party

Before I get back to my usual around these blog  parts I want to again thank everyone in regards to the last two days. Those posts were extremely hard for me but the support and kind words made it worth it. Please check them out here and here. 

Starting to think about my bachelorette party these days. My party is set for April 14th. I'm super excited! I can't wait to get dressed up and have a blast with my girlies. So you can guess what the theme for this week is.


Linking up with Michelle

Maybe to summery for an early April night but I really like it!

Oh and since March is right around the corner I have a super fun giveaway planned for the month. Make sure you stop by tomorrow!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Aftermath...

Wow, the response I received from you all yesterday was pretty amazing. I never thought I would be able to say those things or even write them out for complete strangers to see. I never thought I would share those details. I am glad I wrote that and didn't just add it to a draft folder. If I had I don't think I would have ever shared my story. To be honest my fiance doesn't even know the majority of that story. I have never went into any details with him because of the shame I felt. For almost 10 years I've lived with shame and fear but now feel it important to not stay silent. If I stay silent its almost like he won. As I typed the post yesterday I came to the realization that it was much worse then I ever really remembered. It is strange to see my life now and how I never thought I was worthy of love like the kind of feel with my fiancĂ©. As a 21 year old kid I really believed it when I was told no one would ever love me and I wouldn't amount to anything. I struggled with that feeling for so very long. I would set myself up for failure with guys in a way to punish myself.

As I mentioned yesterday, immediately after that relationship ended I found myself in another toxic relationship.  He had come from a broken and abusive home. We had met through work and were on a friendly. He was one of the first people to see the marks and bruises my ex had left on my neck and arms. When he asked about them I remember breaking down and telling him everything. It was strange that I didn't even tell my best friend but I could share my story with him. He confided in me that he had been abused by his step father for the majority of his life. His admission and reaction to my story had made me feel safe around a man for the first time in a long while. I think that safe feeling allowed me to stay with him 6 years. He never physically hurt me. His own family and abuse issues hindered him from feeling love in a relationship. I allowed him to take advantage of me by continually cheating. I hated him for a  time until I was able to get counseling and understand what we had be doing to one another.  I understand through counseling and my own soul searching that he was just a kid who was abused and made to feel as if he weren't good enough or worthy of love. After all of the heartache that relationship caused I do not hate him. We both continued the circle of abuse. We didn't want to hurt one another. We just believed we weren't worthy of the appropriate type of love and affection.

As you see the aftermath of abuse can take shape in so many ways. I found myself believing everything my ex had said and for years I allowed that to hold me back. I allowed to circle of abuse to ruin my life for so many years. I can see why women find themselves in other abusive relationships. Words can be so hurtful and they stay with us. My cuts, bruises healed and the physical pain left but the words did not. Its common to feel the hurt and fear even after you have left the relationship. It may never fully go away. There may be moments of doubt and fear that stay with you. I wish I could say I am "cured" but even with a man as amazing as Brian is I occasionally find myself doubting and questioning why some one as good as he is wants to be with me. Some days its a battle. The scars stay with you even with therapy and counseling.

Again, thank you everyone for your kind words. The support means so much.

Monday, February 27, 2012

It is NEVER ok...

If you follow me on twitter I'm sure you have seen some posts in regard to Chris Brown and the abuse of women. This topic enrages me. The fact that Hollywood, the music industry just forgets the indiscretions and FELONY assault that took place. Not to mention these "sick" women tweeting horrifying things like this. 

Source: via Sarah on Pinterest

Then in the news we get cases like the Yeardly Love who was brutally murdered by her boyfriend. Before he beat her and left her to die alone in her bedroom he made email threats stated he should have "killed her" Sadly this happens more often then we would like to admit to people from all walks of life. Abuse isn't a joke or something to joking laugh at via twitter. This subject hits very close to home for me. When I was 21 years old I was in a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship with an older man I had been dating.

 It is never ok to belittle, berate, hit, slap or even intimidate anyone none the less some one you "love"

I had met my ex in my final year of college. He was 10 years my senior. He was handsome, successful, had his own place and took me great places. I was intrigued. He was different then all the other frat boy types I had been interested in. About 3 months in to the relationship I started seeing things that made me uneasy. I began to feel controlled. His obsessive tendencies were "cute" at first. I felt as he he really loved me and wanted me. When I became unsure of things I kept my mouth shut hoping things would change. I realized he wouldn't do anything I was interested in. I was being forced to do all the things he wanted. If I graciously declined it would turn into a fight and to avoid conflict I would stop declining. I stopped speaking and having a voice of my own.

I was told not to eat to much because I was a bit "heavy" and wouldn't be hot enough to be his much younger "arm candy" as he would put it. I became so intimidated by him and his comments I didn't eat. I lost 40 pounds in less then a year and looking back I believe I probably had some form of eating disorder. As we spent the majority of the weekends together I would binge on my way home each Sunday so he would never see me eat. He was smart and he noticed I wasn't losing weight even though I wasn't eating. When we would eat out he would only let me share his meal instead of eating my own. He would take me to dance classes and pay for classes.  I would have to take classes for hours on Sundays.

The first sign of physical abuse was very sutble and I don't recall what caused it. We were walking through NYC when we began to argue. We were holding hands and he began to squeeze so tight and so quick he caused bruising to my knuckles almost immediately. Things progresses from that point. During a fight at his home he throw a glass at me. It shattered against the wall. I remember the fear. I locked myself in his bathroom that night and never left until he left for work the next morning.

The fear was more intense then anything. Ten years later while I write this I still feel the fear and sickness in the pit of my stomach I felt as if I walked on egg shells. I remember the threats of physical harm. Specifically  the threats of violence when we drove in the car. I remember sitting in the passenger seat and the feeling there was no way out. There were times where I would cry and he would kick me out of the car because he didn't want to hear it. Once I walked home about 3 miles, in the dark, oppressive heat of the summer with no purse or cell phone.

After a wine tasting trip I can remember him actually punching towards my face while we were in the parking lot. It progressed in the car. After that day I struggled for 2 months with how to leave him. Fearing the consequences. When I finally had the nerve to leave him it initially seemed easy; maybe to easy. I went to pick up my items at his home weeks later when his rage became to much to bear. As I attempted to leave he grabbed me from behind, around my neck and proceeded to choke me. Thinking back I don't even think I put up a fight. I was in shock. The thing I remember the most is being thrown through his screen door. I was bruised, scratched and in immense pain. I never looked back. I told very few people and only those who saw the bruises. I never reported it. Some of my closest friends and family still do not know all of the details.

For weeks after leaving him I would receive emails threatening me but tearful phone calls apologizing and begging for forgiveness. The emails telling me no wanted me when I was fat and he did me a favor. They said things like I would never amount to anything. I would never find anyone who would love me and I was worthless. The hardest part about it is I believed him. For years I thought I was worthless. After him I dating a man who treated me very poorly by cheating on me but I stayed with him because I felt safe. I knew he would never hit me so I stayed. I was miserable but never feared him. The misery and fear of never falling in love stayed with me for many years. I sought counseling for the damage he had done to me. It was a long hard road and I even now with a man as good as Brian I still have days where I make myself feel not good enough or worthy enough of love.

If any of these things seem familiar to you; fear, humiliation, helpless, hurt, worthless I beg you to seek help. No one deserves to feel this way. Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed like I did. Tell some one. Let people help you. Again, do NOT feel ashamed. I can't say that it will be easy all the time but it will get better once you leave. When you leave and never return you have the power. You control you and your destiny. Don't let some one else take that away. I was lucky. So many others are not. I beg of you don't become just another statistic. You are way to good for that.

Thank you for letting me share my story.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Fur baby...

There are very little things I life that I love more then this little over weight little cutie.

This is my Bogart.

Bogart is a Cairn Terrier and "Terr"or in Terrier.

He was a college graduation present for my parents back in 2003

I can not express the emense amount of joy he has brought to myself and my family.

He is afraid of anything on wheels or moves, baby carriage, brooms, bikes, shopping carts, vaccuums. You name it, he freaks for it.

He can hear the cold cut bin of the fridge from a mile away.

Slightly over weight.

Sits at the highest points of the couch and the bed.

If I could I would rescue as many dogs as I could without being a hoarder.

If I were ever a lotto winner I would certainly open up a ranch for rescue dogs.

Linking up with Mrs. Monolougues

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Show Me Your Wedding Cake...

My wedding cake has been a little bit of a secret around here in blog land. With so many great options I seriously had NO IDEA which route to go. That was until I found "IT" on Pinterest, WHERE ELSE?!?!?

I wish I could credit this but it was uploaded by user and there is no origin.

How awesome is this? I absolutely fell head over heels for this cake! Our cake will be based on this cake. Most of you already know our first date and engagement took place in an apple orchard. If you haven't please check them out here and here.  We wanted to be sure we included some of the orchard into our wedding details. I don't know if all of our guests will understand where the idea comes from but I think thats part of the fun. I'm super excited to see what our friend and cake baker come up with.

Our cake baker Marie is still throwing idea together and we haven't chosen our flavors just yet. I'm steering more towards chocolate and raspberry. Marie will be making one wedding cake for display and a sheet cake to cut down our cost for the cake.

Linking up with Brit at The Magnolia Pair.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Oh How Pintersting, Wedding Rehearsal

Aren't' these gorgeous? I figured I'd give myself some inspiration for things to wear for my wedding rehearsal. All of them remind me of spring! I love spring and its right around the corner. I mean its February in NY and the temps will get up to 60 degrees today! This is my kind of winter! 

Linking up with Michelle.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Some Recent Purchases

So I am completly in love with the Old Navy Spring line. I'm an Old Navy fan usually but this year I could have purchased a whole lot more then I did last week. I took advantage of their 20% off on any online purchases as well at their no shipping charge when you spend $50. For me its super easy to spend a quick 50.

Here are some of the items I grabbed.

I know, I know, red skinnies. I totally jumped on this bandwagon. I love them from the minute I saw Stephanie rock them in this post. Given she is so much thinner then I am. I think its a nice reward for getting back on my diet and already losing 6 pounds in 2 weeks. Plust I've been thinking about these for my bachelorette party. Thoughts???

The green is just to much. I absolutely love the color and the flare. They fit really well. Wore them this weekend with a navy tank, gray cardi and scarf with some mint and navy. My fiancé said I looked like an Andes mint. Thanks bud!

Picked this $11 tank up to wear along with the pants above. Super cute late spring, early summer work outfit. Not sure but this may go back. A bit big and not so figure flattering.

Lover of the plaid and anything blue. I could see these with an adorable pair of white or red shorts in the summer or honeymooning around Bermuda. I'm madly in love with it.

This top was a cute little extra for super cheap. I think it was $7. Can't go wrong with a cute top like this. The pattern on the back is a tad different but even cuter.

Cute rightt???

What have been some of your recent purchases?

Monday, February 20, 2012

Dark Hair, Light Hair

The other night my mom mentioned she was surprised my hair has gotten so light. After hearing her say that I realized I really am not sure of my hair being this color. Not sure if the almost blonde is really me or if it fits my personality. My hair was dark for many years and I loved it. Got lots of compliments. Now I just feel blah and washed out. Not really the look I was going for with a wedding fast approaching. Oh yeah I have less then 68 days to make up my mind so I better get on that.

Dark Hair... 


Decisions, Decisions? 

Have I mentioned I suck at making decisions???

Saturday, February 18, 2012


Trying out a little something new today since I didn't have a chance to post anything yesterday. I'm usually not a weekend poster but I'm so tired from a ridiculously hard spin class and catching up on my DVR of Teen Mom.

Can you tell I've been thinking a lot about our honeymoon.


Source: via Jenn on Pinterest

Linking up with Heather

Happy Weekend loves!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Adventures in Wedding Planning...

Wedding updates! I feel like I haven't updated you guys in so long!

Can you believe are down to 73 days till our wedding. Am I nervous? Not me. I feel great. My momma on the other hand. Freaking, losing her marbles.

I keep checking out our registry. Its like peeking on Christmas but its allowed. This is heavenly. We are registered at Macy's, Target and Crate and Barrel. Although my Grandma is very confused and wants to know why I'm registering at Cracker Barrel. Since we already have a house and have a lot of stuff for the home I've been getting phone calls asking what else can they purchase instead of the registry items.
Here are a few of my loves:

I have had my hair trial. Here are a few options. I think I may want a little more poof!

What do you think? 

-Make up trial is scheduled for next week.

-Our RSVPs are coming back to us slowly but surely. I sent them out in separate mailing so not everything came back at the same time. What is funny is Brian's family got them first. We have them back from 2 family members. We invited 48.  Its still awkward for me to have another list of friends to invite just in case others can not attend.

-I'm LOVING the little notes everyone is leaving on our RSVP cards:

"HELLS YEAH" (from my best friend)

"We can't wait"

"With Pleasure"

"So Happy"

with many happy faces and hearts. 

I'm getting really excited. Its a weird feeling too. Being engaged for 18 months I think I may miss the planning after the wedding takes place!

Happy Thursday!
More then halfway to the weekend!