Friday, September 7, 2012


I hate the number 7. I hate the 7th day of the month. Seven was not a lucky number for me. The 7th of the month has been pretty craptastic since June. Is it crazy that a person could dread a day of the month? It is only a day! Its only a number.

Another month has come and gone. I can't help but think of how different I am since June 7th. I sat in front of my computer screen for what seemed like forever trying to come up with ways I've changed for the better since that day. I got nothing; came up with nothing!

On the other hand it was easy to come up with all the ways I've changed for the worst. I've gained weight, lots of it. I make excuses to stay away for my pregnant friends. I dread seeing babies and pregnant women. I cry like its my job. Sometimes I cry for no reason at all. I fight with my husband, a lot. I'm jealous. I over eat. I spend way to much money on insignificant things. I drink too much. Yet, I go along with my daily life. Mostly I fake a smile and repeat to myself "Don't cry. Hold yourself together!"   I can't tell if I'm healing. It doesn't really feel like it. I maybe trying but I really don't know.

I just keep hoping the the 7th of the month will just be another day. I really just want the day to come and go.


The Vintage Modern Wife said...

honey, i can't imagine how hard life is for you right now. you will get through it. pray (or continue to pray) and someday you won't hurt as much. one day you'll have a baby on your hip and everything will be perfect. i know it's hard, but what if you tried to do something from those things you said you've changed for the worst and change to good little by little? i'm not saying this will take a day, or week, or even a month- but set yourself some limits on the shopping or wine. maybe go on another hike once a week to battle the eating. you're gorgeous in every single way (and wonderful too) and none of this was your fault. NONE. i heart you. keep on keeping on. you're doing a better job than you might think. try not to be so hard on yourself girlie. i'm here for you always if you need :)

Jamie said...

Grief is such a long road. Hugs to you. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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