I'm not usually one for resolutions but I have found that for some time I have neglected myself. Maybe it was when I became comfortable in our marriage? Maybe it was becoming a mom? Maybe it was a little postpartum guilt? I don't know what it happened but I did and I have been suffering because of it. My body is not one I recognize. My skin looks old and worn out. My usual extroverted self has really been replaced with complacency. I dread the thought of going out, even to work everyday and being social, ugh, I sometimes can't stand the thought of it. I would much rather stay at home.
I find so many factors have contributed to the change in me. I truly believe the main reason I have changed is anxiety. For as long as I can remember I have had some form of anxiety. I can remember being a little girl and worrying about everything! I recall worrying so much I would make myself sick to my stomach. I believe my anxiety took a back seat in my teen, college and young adult years. It has since come back with a vengeance. When I found out I was pregnant a friend told me "Be prepared to worry about everything for the rest of your life." I didn't know at the time how much truth would be behind that statement. Since Jack was born and we received his diagnosis my anxiety has hit an all time high. I worry all the time about his health. I worry about germs. I worry about germs so much I truly think that is why I try and shy away social situations. I have gone against my anxiety and taken Jack to play places and group story time. I don't want to be a bad mom. I don't want him to miss fun things but I have to admit I am so uncomfortable when we are there. My anxiety is at an all time high and although Jack is having fun but inside I'm suffering thinking every kid he is playing with or anything he touches could potentially get him sick. Right before Christmas I took him to a birthday party, which we don't usually do during cold and flu season. A few days later he came down with the croup. Parts of me was devastated. I felt like I made a poor choice as a mom and we ended up in the hospital. I find myself explaining to people why we don't go places often. I feel judged just as much. People don't seem to understand and that causes more stress induced anxiety. As crazy as it sounds even my husband doesn't seem to understand me. My anxiety has negatively impacted my married life, relationship with friends and being the best mom I can be.
This year I need to make a pact with myself to start taking much better care of myself. I have found that you really can not pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first. I have to vow to take better care of myself. It seems strange but first off I need to drink more water. My head races so much I often forget to drink during the day. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? I have my coffee some days and when I get home at night I realize I haven't had anything else to drink! It's a simple fix. I have to commit to it. It's a simple even more basic need. I'd like to add eating atlas 3 meals a day (I always skip breakfast) and drink more tea, especially green and chamomile. I'm sure my skin will look better and my head and stomach may not feel as terrible as it usually does. I'll also try and remember grounding techniques when I find myself stressed. Grounding techniques are a coping strategy used to connect you with the present. I have been trying to meditate, listing 5 positives in my life, looking outside, paying attention to my movements and some more listed here. Grounding is a hoilistic approach to stress management. I can not tell you how many people have suggested drugs to me. I am just not at that stage of my life where medication is an option. I would like to have more children in the near future and the thought of putting medication in my body is just not for me so finding other options are key. I've recently started getting more involved with essential oils. Do they work? I have no idea. Do they give me piece of mind? Yes so I'll stick with them for now. Exercise! Yeah, I hate it but I didn't always. I loved Zumba class and I was so fit while doing it. I'm actually afraid to get back into it because I've been away so long. Try and sleep more. We don't sleep well in our house. Jack still wakes up a few times a night so this one is really hard for us. I have let him sleep over my parents and in laws house some nights just to catch up on some rest. I also need to have more FUN! I have tons of fun with Jack but I need regular fun. Things that I used to find fun. I used to love going out shopping and buying myself a little something. I used to love getting my hair cut and colored. Getting my nails done, date nights and having dinner with the girls. I never do any of these any more but I should. Give up a little control. This is nearly impossible for me. It's probably one of my worst traits. If I allow myself to give up control when it comes to Jack and his health I have to think of the consequences of that. Could he get sick? Yes. Has he been sick before and recovered quickly? Yes. Have his doctors informed me to stay away from everyone and everything? No. Do kids with cystic fibrosis have fun? Participate in activities? YES! I have to keep telling myself these things. Baby steps, I keep telling myself baby steps.
Does anyone else suffer from anxiety that negatively impacts their daily life?
What are some tips and tricks you use to help yourself get through it?
Does anyone else have a child with some special health needs? How do you cope?
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Can you believe that this itty bitty turned 2 last week?!?!
This little boy has brought me more love and happiness than I could have ever imagined! I never knew love until he came into my life. Jack surprises me everyday with the things he says and the things he does.
Jack is doing AMAZING considering he has had a rough few months. I feel like he has had a cold since September. Right before Christmas we ended up in the hospital after a bout of the croup. Yikes! It was pretty scary but he recovered quickly!
Jack just doesn't sleep. He has slept through the night in his own bed twice this entire year! Jack has transitioned into a queen size bed. We thought that would help but no such luck. We are often up at 3am every night. Sometimes its 1am and 3am.
It's such a beautiful dirty blonde color.
A gray blue!
Jack is wearing 18-24 month clothes. The 18 month pants are getting short but the 24 months are too big. We have to dart themes they don't fall down. He is growing quicker than he was last year. This time last year he was still in 6-9 month clothes
He is so incredibly happy and friendly. He loves his cousins and his buddy Michael. He has made friends at his weekly story time and his swim lessons. He has lots of friends in the neighborhood people and dogs too. He knows all the dogs names.
- JACK IS 2!
- He is talking up a storm. I can't believe all the words he knows. He knows his "Please, Thank You and You're Welcome"
- He repeats everything too.
- He can throw a tantrum like no one else. I like to call him a toddler tornado!
- Jack is potty training.
-He will be getting new medication for his CF starting this month! It is life changing. Wish us luck!
-Thomas the Tank Engine and any trains
-He is a water boy. He loves his baths.
- Listening to music and dancing.
-Family- He loves his grandmas and grandpas.
- To eat. He is a great eater. He loves salmon, chicken, and broccoli.
Laying down for diaper changes
Being told no
Going to bed