Always Move Forward...

So I guess you could say I survived this weekend. I think I just existed. Though several meltdowns and even a body aching panic attack I was able to put on a happy face and get through it. Although I ached inside I did it. I made it through. I survived it. I should give myself a little bit more credit. I didn't just exist. I just kept swimming, kept moving forward.

It was bad enough Saturday would have been baby G's due date but I had to make it through 2 baby showers this weekend. I thought I could do it. I thought I'd be fine. Right before I left the house I had a major panic attack. I've never experienced a panic or anxiety attack before but I imagine it was one of the above. I started to sweat. I got dizzy and nauseous. My heart pounded out of my chest and I felt like I could not physically leave my house. I clinched my fists so hard my finger nails cut open my hands. Thank goodness for a few good twitter and IRL friends who talked me down my entire hour drive. It took me a few minutes to get out of the car. I sat in the parking lot for a while. I dodged lots of baby questions and I was shocked at how well I did. I wanted to be there for my friend and I was. I did it. I stayed the entire 4 hours. Reflecting on the day at I drove home was tough. When I got home to my empty, dark house I crawled right in bed and watched Animal Planet until B got home. He brought dinner, flowers, and my favorite pretzels. We talked, ate and watched a movie all from our bed. It felt comfortable and safe. It was a reminder of how good we are together.

I woke up Sunday feeling better and refreshed. I helped to plan the shower scheduled for Sunday. I know it would be another day I'd have to struggle through. It was held in my clubhouse close to home. My mom and husband were there for support just in case. I think that added bit of comfort made the day easier for me. My best friend deserved a nice day and I wanted to be a part of it for her no matter how difficult it would be for me. It was just a reminder of my need to move forward and how I really can do it and I'm strong enough to continue to do so, It's not going to be easy. It isn't going and it isn't going to be quick but I'll get there.

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Happy Martin Luther King Day. Remember to be good to one another.