Saturday, January 19, 2013

Today Should Have Been a Good Day

Today should have been a happy day. Today should have been the start of something beautiful. Today should have been a first of many happy first celebrations. Today should have been the day our first child made their arrival into this world. For the first time my husband a daddy and I a mommy. Today should have not been like it really is.

Today should have been the day where everything came together. Months of planning, blogging week to week, gender reveal parties, baby shower, first kicks, ultra sounds, heartbeats and belly photos should have all come together for a delivery date. That should have been today.

Today should have been beautiful. Instead today is a day I mourn. I mourn for the life of baby Gargano, a life that was ended so very short.
Today I also mourn me.

I mourn the person who I used to be. I mourn the loss of my innocence. I mourn my broken spirit. I mourn the happy, naive person I used to be.

For the past 7 months I don't recognize the girl looking back at me, the things I say, the things I feel.

"Married life is great"- We lost a baby and our marriage has suffered
"Merry Christmas"- We should be opening baby gifts like all my other friends.
"When are you going to have children?"- We did, I lost, I can't get pregnant!"

My world is full of triggers. Most places I go I feel the anxiety that something may trigger me into an all out meltdown. I often find myself waging a war against myself. Everything I say "Oh your baby is beautiful!" also means in my heart "I should have one too".  I often hear of pregnancies of facebook, in the news and honestly all of my friends and I feel jealous, sad and bitter. Who feels these kind of things???  I say to myself  "Why not me?" I use the terms "If I get pregnant instead of when we have a baby." Why am I angry and bitter? Bitter for my friends? People I care about? Why did I loss our baby?

Sometimes I wish I could fully move on without something simple triggering my sadness. I wish things didn't hurt but they do. I wish some one would just shake the sadness out. Yell at me, "You had an ectopic pregnancy. Your baby would have never survived. You could have died too but you didn't! You can't get pregnant! Just GET OVER IT" Everyone is just so tired of hearing it. Why can't I just be tired of feeling it; crying about it?

So instead I have to live with the person who I am now. The woman who cries a lot more than anyone should, the one who feeling sad, angry and bitter. The one who struggles more than she should. The woman who wants more time alone than with friends, pushes people away. The one who gets hurt so easily. The one who often feels like a shitty wife. I'll be fine. I'm always fine. It's not a bad life just a bad day. Today is just another trigger day. No one really knows what today is so I feel like again I suffer silently.

Today should have been a good day...


Jen said...

Sweet friend, I know how you are feeling. Our first baby would have been 3 years old as of last month. It's such a heartbreaking situation. You will get through this, sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

The Cavallaro's said...

Oh my goodness, my heart is breaking right now for you! I wish I could tell you that I know how you feel, but unfortunately, I can't and even if I could, it wouldn't stop your sorrow. I hope that you wake up tomorrow and it's a better day. I will say some major prayers and throw some thoughts your way.

Gina Gao said...

I am so sorry for you. I can't even say how sad this is.

Kristin said...

Sorry you guys are dealing with this. So sucky and so not fair.

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